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Archive for September, 2004

unconscious mutterings:

Diminishing:: returns

Fed up:: aggravation

3:00 AM:: feedings

Interfere:: malice

Often:: and from a great height

Hay:: maker

Prediction:: gamble

Homophobia:: rampant idiocy

Booty call:: trashy

Enunciate:: clarify

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HOW TO ACHIEVE INNER PEACE

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you’ve started. It is definitely working for me.

I am now making a point of always finishing what I start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreos, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolates. I feel better already.

Pass this along to everyone you know who needs Inner Peace.

(note: this is one of those email thingies that comes along without attribution; if you know or are the source, i’m happy to add a link.)

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Koaloha’s story of singing down the evangelists. fan-fuckin’-tastic, and winner of ‘Most Creative Use of Show Tunes as Peaceful Resistance’.

Me: (sings) “The Girl that I marry will have to be, as soft and as sweet as a nursery… the girl I call my own, will wear diamonds and laces and smell of cologne…”

One of the boys on the train starts to harmonize.

worth reading the whole story, says i. 🙂

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it’s a strange thing to have a phantom, third wheel, bit player, meddler – however you want to describe the ex-wife and her interference – as a constant part of the landscape of a relationship. i doubt very much that any of us grow up thinking ‘hey, i know – i think i’ll find someone with kids and alimony and a bitter ex-spouse, one who enjoys flinging shit and creating melodrama, and settle down with them, because that’s a fairytale ending!’ nope. i think, more likely, if we have an idea of settling down at all, that it’s boy/girl meets boy/girl, sparks fly, romance ensues, and the happy couple wanders off into the sunset (on the stereotypical sandy beach). but that’s not always how it works. turns out, my Prince Charming (and he is, oh, he is – my one and only, which i told him before we started dating, but that’s another story) came with a Little Prince Charming and a Wicked Witch.

building a blended family is a challenge under the best of circumstances. i’m well aware that The Dane and i are doing pretty well in the ex-wife (TEW) department; she’s hardly the worst of the lot, and in fact, she’s dealing with one about whom Lifetime movies are made. (did i mention that TEW has three stepchildren?) however, it’s been an awkward situation at best from the outset. she seems to regard this as a competition, and has said that i have no right to be here. (i’m fairly certain that me breathing pisses her off.) and i’ve heard her screaming things about me that … well, let’s just say it makes it difficult to warm up to her.

look, it’s not as if i don’t have empathy for her situation. but – they are the outcome of her own choices, and she can’t blame me or The Dane for her choices, try tho she might. even better: when the situation is the direct result of things she required The Dane to do? yeah. especially don’t scream at me or him about getting what you asked for.

will she change? no, probably not. she will likely always be angry, or sad, or bitter, or however it is that this shit plays in her head. she seems to have a deep seated need for drama, and crisis, and being a martyr. i’ve watched her manufacture enough misery to see that it has some sort of place in her life, that she seems to need it. makes no sense to me, but there you have it. so. how does one not react? how, in the face of that much anger and hatred, do you disconnect the very reasonable response to defend?

Katherine said something recently that stuck with me (she says many funny, insightful things, but this one in particular stuck):

The only thing to do when faced with an Abuser is to simply back away slowly – very, very slowly – emitting no fear because they smell it, showing no emotion because emotion creates hooks for them to hang their own emotional projections onto, expecting nothing from them but for them to behave pretty much as they always have.

i have no clear idea of how to find my path to that point. it may be that knowing the path exists is half of it. or maybe not – maybe it’s the process. in any event, i’m feeling out how to set the right boundaries, me on my side, she on hers, and my family – the people i love – nowhere in the middle, but in their own safe places.

having said all of that, i will likely rant about her nonsensical behaviour here once in a while. mostly not, because this is a public forum, and there are better places to rant, and this place is for and about me and my life, not her. but every so often, it feels good and cathartic to scream, doesn’t it?

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The Brent Woodall Foundation for Exceptional Children, a nonprofit dedicated to helping children with autism and their parents. there’s a great article over at STG explaining the selection of The Brent Woodall Foundation; i’ll just add that i like the mission to help the kids achieve excellence, and the inclusion of tools for the parents in the curriculum. addressing the family as a whole seems a powerful way to help build the necessary structure for the children they help.

STG, if you haven’t heard of it yet, is looking to harness the amazing power of our internet communities and voices to help micro-charities, a dollar at a time. the organizations STG highlights really will benefit from $1 or $5.

if you’d like to donate, head on over to the The Brent Woodall Foundation for Exceptional Children (they can take checks), or over to Strengthen The Good, which will coordinate a donation if you’d prefer to donate online.

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mmmph.

yeah, that’s about where my articulation level is right now. also, par for the last few weeks.

it’s been interesting since we got back from vacation. ~deep breath~ i got a great taste, that week at the cottage, of what it is like to be a family, one unit, without competing forces.

since we’ve gotten back, i feel like we’ve been hip deep. hip deep in ex wife, in new school, in new after care, in new patterns and ideas for all of us.

some of it is good and lovely. Little Small seems to have taken to his first day of school just swimmingly. 😉 and he’s fairly adaptable. (i nearly said infinitely, as he seems more flexible than me some days, but he also has his breaking points.) and he reached out to hug me several times today, for no reason. i love that kid.

and some of it… feh. dealing with someone who cares mostly about her public image, who lies like it’s breathing… *shakes head* i don’t have the energy for that kind of drama. and i’m working on finding a way to separate myself enough to not be affected, but stay connected enough to be able to get the info i need to care about the two guys i care about.

bleargh.

(can i go back to the beach now? please? huh? canniwannaplease?)

if you had told me 5 years ago that my life would revolve around Legos, glue sticks and string cheese, you could have knocked me over with a feather. you still might be able to. 🙂

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