unconscious mutterings:

Rhyme :: reason
Substantial :: hefty
Instant :: gratification
Greed :: ugly
Brad :: Pitt
Season :: swing
Accomplished :: done
Invite :: welcom
Sparkle :: sheen
Rainbow :: arc

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so, apparently, i was more inert than i thought.

it was a rough weekend, in some ways; spent a lot of time crying, which generally helps – a good cry gets things out of the system. but in this case, i just ended up tired, and no clearer. and the thought of sitting at a keyboard was more than i could deal with.

fortunately for you lucky readers, i may have multiple posts today to make up for it. 😉

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parenting lesson #329:

if you allow your child to experiment with the meat tenderizer mallet with modelling clay because it seems safer than other targets, be prepared for the fact that the dishwasher will not remove all of said modelling clay.

i’m just sayin’.

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*fffwhump*

that, boys and girls, would be the sound of my ass falling soundly off the NaBloPoMo train.

the last few days have been a bit of a wreck, and i haven’t gotten near a keyboard. which is a bit of a shame, for a lot of reasons. i’m really getting into the groove of posting something everyday, to the point where i’ve said, out loud, in front of other people, ‘oh, i am *so* blogging that!’. complete with Valley Girl accent, i might add.

i have mightily resisted the (granted, minor) urge to backdate, as there were definitely posts in my head, but that doesn’t really count. also? who wants to be a cheatypants?

anyway, courtesy of Mrs. Kennedy, a little something that i’m hoping counts for a day of amnesty, as i certainly intend to hop back on the NaBloPoMo train, hobo that i am.

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y’know, i’m sure i had a topic in mind – i always do. but right now? my heart is broken.

MedSm is coming up on his first year of MCAS. and he’s recently started working on a website that will help him with the testing. i agree with his teacher – it’s a great tool. however.

computer games hold a power over kids. and numbers also hold a power; this is the first year they’re getting nuber grades, as in 78%, rather than ‘good job!’. combine the two, and the effect can be lethal, especially if said student doesn’t quite get the scoring algorithm, or the questions being asked.

MedSm had a breakdown tonight, because he’d worked so hard to get 100%, which he did on the last iteration of the test. but the program didn’t reward him with an award. it just said ‘P’. as in, ‘Proficient’.

and in watching him melt down, and trying to talk him thru it, my heart shattered into a million pieces. because i remembered every time i didn’t score well enough, and disappointed myself, my dad, my teacher… and i still remember the time in algebra, when Mr. Trenholm returned my test, pointed at my grade (67%), and said ‘i’m disappointed. i know you know more than that.’ if i could have sunk thru the floor at that instant, i would have.

he is trying so hard, MedSm is, to be a good student, and do what he needs to. and for some reason, he already thinks that failing the third grade MCAS will keep him out of college. ohmigod, the stress on these kids! i wish i could have reasoned with him, and helped him understand that it’s not the end of the world. it’s part of a learning process. they won’t hold you back – oh, yeah, we’ve already had that discussion. going from figuring out math on paper to in your head, staring at a computer screen? huge leap! and not one that is made without sacrifices.

breaks my heart that he’s so wound up about this. i don’t want to minimize the importance of being a good student; i do want him to understand, tho, that being the best student that *he can be* is just what he should be doing.

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i’m sure i had something interesting to say earlier today.

but if i did? long gone.

i was a bit of a slug today, sleeping in, puttering, visiting with Chica Bean (honey, remind me to tell you the green olive story), and generally doing not all that much.

kate observed recently that i seem to be living life at Mach 10. and i suppose that may be true, altho i don’t really see it in the moment. if i did, i might implode, so i guess it’s better that i don’t. she has a point, tho. most of my waking life seems to be about doing, and going, and other.

so it was nice to have a morning where i could doze, and pay attention to my breathing, and move at my own pace.

back into the upstream tomorrow.

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napping. tonight was all about napping.

and it wasn’t exactly voluntary, more like ‘unless i break out the toothpicks my eyes will close’ napping.

trying to get a few things done now, since i’m awake for a bit… folding laundry, sorting papers, blogging, cleaning the bathroom…

oh, lordy, i need a vacation.

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so, yesterday did turn out to be peaceful and uneventful.

MedSm was tuckered out enough from playing a full hour of soccer (they play 4 on 4, and only 4 showed up for his team) that his energy level for the rest of the day made sense to me. 😉 he was calm enough that he didn’t pest me to play football with him. instead, we ran a few errands, and then i let him choose the order of things. he wanted a haircut first, we got a few slices of pizza, and then we went to the library. oh, it was so lovely… he looked for books, i looked for books, he asked if he could read without his glasses, and when we finally gathered up our stash and headed out, he was so enamoured of his book that he didn’t look up while walking out. did my heart good to see him so engrossed in reading.

i also took him with me to do a little shopping at Super 88. there were a few things i wanted to get, and i figured it would be a cool field trip for him, which is was. ‘mom, what’s this? what’s that? what’s *that*? oooo – live fish! can we have barracuda for dinner?’ *shakes head* i loved letting him run around and explore all sorts of different foods. ‘dried crabs? do you eat them?’ the only thing i tried to steer him away from were the frozen whole birds… with feathers and heads on. more power to him if he chooses to be veg (i was for years) – i just don’t want it to come from early childhood trauma. that’s one therapy bill i don’t want to be called on. 😉

it ended up being too crunched, time wise, to hit a museum, so i reserved a pass for next weekend to go to the Peabody Essex. they’re a very child friendly museum, and they currently have an exhibit on owls. plus, he hasn’t yet seen Yin Yu Tang, a traditional Chinese home, donated and moved to PEM. it’s really an amazing exhibit.

i also rented the first episode of Eyes on the Prize – was *thrilled* when i saw it at the library, as i understood that it was hard to find, and no longer offered (copyright issues, among other things). so. i offered to MedSm that he could watch a show on American history with me if he wanted, and he did.

goddess love him, he paid attention, and struggled to stay awake, and got that it was important. he had never heard of segregation, and didn’t understand it – why would they have to use another water fountain? he asked what lynching meant. and here’s the moment that made me love him all the more, and drove home how important it is that he learn this history. they covered the murder of Emmet Till. and they showed pictures of him before and after the murder. i said softly, when they showed the second picture, ‘that’s the same boy.’ *pause* ‘that thing?’, MedSm said. ‘yup. that thing was a boy.’ ‘oh.’

you may say, ‘hey, i thought you said it was uneventful!’ and in a drama/trauma sense, it was. and you may say, ‘hey, i thought you didn’t want to foot any therapy bills!’ and i did say that. but, y’know, the series is amazing and powerful and important. and MedSm had the option to not watch, at any point. and hubby and i were both there with him, to answer any questions, and help him understand as much as he can. i remember reading Roots, and seeing the series, and how visceral and vital it was, to understand what i could about the issues of racism, and segregation, and power, and how we all relate as humans, and how that has changed/not changed thru the years.

MedSm also got to talk with us, and hear our own stories from growing up. seems to me that considered and considerate exposure to important issues, as well as a little history education, is part of parenting. and MedSm is very curious to see the rest of the series. he’s such a good egg, MedSm is.

on a completely different note – got to spend time with ChicaBean and her parents tonight. was absolutely wonderful to catch up with her, and them, and be treated to dinner, and just hang out with people whom i love and adore. hubby was also pleased, as he got to nap, long and hard, while i was out. 🙂

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i’m tired. really freakin’ tired. tired enough that i’m gonna dump a whole bunch of stuff, no filters.

(those with delicate constitutions are advised to step away and have a cup of chamomile tea.)

as i was stepping out of the shower the other day and drying off, i caught a little glimpse, a piece of who i’ve been and could be – a thin, tanned ankle, toes sparkling with rings, all attached to a happy, carefree person enjoying life. i’ve been this person, and i haven’t seen her in far too long.

i’m tired of feeling like i’m always on the go, or needing to do something – return a call, pay a bill, clean the house, drive MedSm somewhere, be at work, be at my second job, be at my third job, negotiate the budget, do the food shopping, organize play dates, book gigs for hubby, clean the yard, clean the car, clean up the cat puke, repair the shower, feed all the animals, scrub down the sink, do the laundry, plan family days, negotiate with The Ex Wife, work with our accountant, file the taxes, of having every flat surface in our house covered with dust or crap… FUCK! it’s overwhelming. i’m tired.

i’m tired of The Ex Wife. her drama, her bullshit, her Republican white-bred conservative homophobic politics, her need to be the center of the drama, her anger when i don’t play into it, her need to lie and manufacture bullshit to get her way when a simple request would work, her existence. yep, that’s right, today i’m pissed off that she breathes in and out. i didn’t say this would be a rational rant. i’m completely exhausted by how she manipulates and abuses MedSm without even seeing the damage that consistently calling him stupid and clumsy is doing. i’m enraged by the fact that she still uses hubby as target practice when she’s having a bad day.

i’m equally exhausted by her “best friend”, who, upon hearing a positive thing that i said about her “best friend”, decided that meant she and i were “best friends”. never mind that the path should have been, ‘you said something nice about my friend, and we’re still acquaintances’. nope, “best friend” has decided to glom onto me at any moment and dump her particular brand of vitriol on me. she hates her husband, her life, the airlines, the gas companies, the school board, the teachers, the postman, the milkman… well, you get the idea. and i have no room or time for complaints for the sake of complaining. but she doesn’t get it, and i don’t yet have the heart to tell her to piss up a rope. it’s coming, tho, and damn freakin’ soon.

i’m tired of being broke. i’m learning to be a good little mouse and save money, work with a budget, negotiate every damn penny, and i hate it. i get that it’s necessary. just once, i’d like to not care where that candy bar came from.

i’m tired of feeling like crap. i’m tired of headaches, i’m tired of my feet hurting when i get up in the morning, i’m tired of toothaches and bad back and sore joints, and god freakin’ damn it, it shouldn’t hurt so much. esp. now that i’m making a doubly concerted effort to keep up with appointments, eat better, exercise more… fuck.

i’m tired of politics. i hate The Shrub, i hate how many of our soldiers have died for absolutely no reason, i hate that they died for a fucking charade to smoke screen other issues, i hate that North Korea is about to go postal, and i *hate* local politics. yeah, i’ve watched the gubernatorial debates to make sure i understood where the candidates stand. Mihos? fucking joke, and only entertaining for about 20 seconds. who cares where you were born, dude? Healy? god almighty, get the sequoia out of your ass, lady. i’m divided between Patrick and Ross, and that’s another post. arguing over the same small shit every damn time gets tired, and the debates just wear me out.

i’m tired of smaller politics, as well. while it may not appear this way to some, i’m not about conflict. (good time to say that, huh?) there’s no need to tear down anyone for you to succeed – and yet, i seem to be around a lot of people who feel that way. trying to figure out how to say ‘there is another way’ without becoming One Of Them is exhausting some days. and there are several other interpersonal situations (delicate word, isn’t that? situations…) that make me sigh and shake my head. i wonder what i’m not seeing or doing or bringing to the game that it comes to this, a minor version of the Cold War.

fuck a duck, i’m tired. i would so love to wake up in a calmer, gentler world, where we all worked for the positive. and knowing that’s not likely, and the work it will take for me to create that on my own small, personal scale… makes me want to shove my head back under the covers in the morning.

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this is one of those days where i feel like youth is wasted on the young.

i am *wiped* *out* from Halloween, and all i did was give out candy at the door. truth be told, it’s more about being wiped out from working, then making dinner, coordinating trick or treat dates, prepping dinner for tonight, doing dishes and a few other chores, and not getting enough sleep.

still, i’ll go with blaming it on Halloween.

i may even be an old lady and make my kid go to bed early so i can do the same.

i had a friend in high school who thought that Daylight Savings in the fall should be a national holiday. he lived for that day where he got a bonus hour of sleep. and the year he missed it? was inconsolable.

yeah, it’s gonna be an early night.

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